Apple just unveiled a ton of cool, fancy and expensive stuff at its September keynote event, but the most important surprise wasn’t the behemoth iPad Pro or new iPhone 6. Instead, virtually everyone lost it over the new emojis.
You may be totally amped for “bamboo” and “thinking” emoji, but the only one you will ever really need to use is the “middle finger”.
That’s right, your dreams have finally come true. Now you can flip off your mom, ex, boss and anyone in-between. Personally, I’m just excited to try it out on my dog-walker.
While you put together a list of people you will “accidentally” blast with the one-fingered salute, we compiled a comprehensive guide of virtually every occasion an animated f*ck off symbol would be required.
1. When your boss says you need to work on the last warm weekend of the year.
That’s just cruel.
2. When you’re virtually the only person in your office working on the Jewish holidays.
So if I was Jewish, I wouldn’t have to work on Christmas and Yom Kippur? I’m converting.
3. When you finally wash your hair and blow that sh*t out — and it starts to rain outside.
What’s the point of putting in any effort?
4. When you get into a non-air conditioned subway car and a man who hasn’t showered for at least three weeks sits next to you.
There’s a reason that one car is always empty.
5. When your dog walker refuses to walk your pups because the weather sucks.
And you come home to a pile of sh*t baked into the floorboards.
6. When you make it a point to leave work early to pick up your dry cleaning and the shop is closed for “the holiday.”
Should’ve just thrown it in the washing machine and hoped for the best.
7. When your tights rip and you don’t notice until lunch.
Not like I was planning on looking cute today, anyway.
8. When you realize you sent a nude Snapchat to your ex.
Now he knows what he’s missing, I guess.
9. When your ex Snaps back a photo of his dick, and you remember why you broke up in the first place.
I can’t believe I ever let that inside me.
10. When you accidentally like your cute coworker’s Instagram from 36 weeks ago, and now you don’t know whether to unlike it or hope he never saw it.
Maybe if I unlike it, he’ll think it was all just a mindf*ck or realize we’re totally meant to be together.
11. When you finally hail a cab in the rain and some jerk upstreams you and whizzes off before you can throw a shoe at him.
I don’t care if your wife is in labor or you realize you forgot to pick your kid up from school, I want to get home and eat!
12. When that guy you friend zoned in high school gets magically hot overnight but has a girlfriend.
I need to start taking whatever sexy pill he’s on.
13. When you get drunk at the company happy hour and come back to work the next day like nothing ever happened.
No one remembers me dancing on the table when “Bye, Bye, Bye” came on, right?
14. When girls are super cute in #TBTs, and you know if you post anything people will confuse you for Eugene Levy.
Some people hit puberty harder than others, okay?
15. When your Tinder flame drunk texts you to “Netflix and chill” at 4am.
16. When your great-aunt Lucy says you need to get a bit more serious about finding a husband.
You need to get more serious about shaving that upper lip hair.
17. Also, when she thinks you might’ve gained a few extra pounds.
You might’ve gained a few extra enemies.
18. When no one knows how to shut the f*ck up in your sorority group chat.
Not everything you say needs to be followed by an information desk emoji.
19. When you just want to play Candy Crush and sh*t in peace but there’s a mob of people knocking on the bathroom door.
Can’t you see I’m busy here?
20. When your mom decides to clean out your old room and turn it into an office because “it’s not like you ever come visit, anyway.”
Yep, I’m a terrible daughter, Mom.
21. When you’re sick at home, and all your friends are using the group chat to find each other at the club.
Are you trying to make me feel like a failure? Because it’s working.
22. When you drop your brand new phone in the toilet…after you’ve peed.
There is nothing more humbling than fishing an iPhone out of your own urine puddle.
23. When you fart at a meeting and everyone stares at you.
As if you haven’t done it before.
24. When your siblings tell you they only remembered your birthday because of Facebook.
Are we blood relatives? Are you sure?
25. Or because Mom reminded them.
But you still want to convert my room into an office? Cool.
26. When virtually everyone in your friend group is married, engaged or in a serious relationship, and the only commitment you’re capable of making is Chipotle for lunch.
Now, burrito or bowl?
27. When you’ve been paying for ClassPass for six months but have only taken three classes.
Maybe if I realize I’m spending so much money on a membership, I’ll be motivated to actually go to the gym? Just kidding.
28. When your friend yells at you for going on a Hinge date the night she was broken up with.
I’m not a bad friend, I was researching the singles’ scene!
29. When virtually all of your friends are on a cleanse, and you’re on your third slice of pizza.
Does this count as fat shaming?
30. When your dentist reminds you your teeth will be so much whiter if you just dropped the coffee and red wine.
My bank account will be so much greener if I just drop the appointments with you, Doc.
31. When you realize your dress is practically sheer and you’re wearing a Spongebob thong.
Want to visit the pineapple under my sea? No? Okay.
32. When your deli has a $10 credit card minimum and you only have $4.25 worth of chocolate bars and soda.
How much gum can I buy before they look at me funny?
33. When you’re too large for the medium-sized dress but too small for the large.
Does this come in a medium/large? How about a medium and a half?
34. When your dog decides your vibrator makes a great chew toy.
As long as it still works and you throw a condom over it, no one will ever know.
35. When your HBO Go trial expires right before the new season of “Game of Thrones.”
Time to make a whole new e-mail just so you can re-register.
36. When you’re forced to listen to Taylor Swift via YouTube because she still hasn’t gotten over her Spotify beef.
Get over it, Tay Tay.
37. When the single most annoying person in the office somehow has a super hot boyfriend, and you’re still single AF.
How is that possible?
38. When your sexting buddy doesn’t get why your face isn’t in any naughty photos.
Do you think I’m that stupid?
39. When it’s Wednesday and no one wants to get hump day tacos with you.
I need new friends.